Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Today i am feeling a little...off. I often hesitate blogging on days like today because I don't want it to be A) an invitation for "I can solve your problems with X, Y, & Z"....or    B) a pity party. I think it's fair to want to write about things going on in my life without people assuming that's what my intentions are. Sometimes a girl just has to vent. Ya know?

i have this hole, a hole which used to be small but is now getting bigger
i try to fill this hole with things that distract me...clothing, work, hobbies...but no matter what I do, the hole remains.
i don't like it when people assume/comment on the things I do to try fill my hole..but I guess they may not know that I'm trying to fill a hole.  I just don't like when they just assume.

there are days when it doesn't hurt so much and days when it does
there are days when I think I can live with it and days when I want to give up

people try to talk to me about it. sometimes it helps.
most of the time it doesn't.
I do my very best to ignore this big, giant hole...
but like the elephant in the room, ignoring it doesn't make it go away.

I consider myself a very happy person but this silly hole has made me feel sad, unmotivated, and irritable...sometimes even depressed. I hate that it's doing that. I hate that I'm letting it. I hate that I have no control.

most days I do okay. today isn't one of those days. (which usually means I go straight to retail therapy...not a good reaction!!)

Anyway, other than feeling off and venting about what a mess I am, things are relatively unaltered 'round these parts. Same old same! We recently found out that Christopher's work life is only going to get busier for the remaining months of 2011 (can we say trial-crazed-mayhem?) And thus my life of single wife-hood will return. (although I know much more respectable and admirable ladies who deal with the SWL  24/7 and handle it better than me! (ahem SabrinaLaurenKatieetc) I will have to reach out to them in moments of oh-my-gosh-I'm-going-to-kill-you to help level myself out again ha!)

Amongst all of this I must say that I am truly grateful for my faith, as it has been the only source of comfort during these challenges. I am reminded that there are others who face harder things and have bigger holes to fill. Although it doesn't make it easier for me, I am humbled and found counting my blessings. I only hope to continue to grow through this (and to survive it, because today I feel like I most certainly will not). :(


Adam & Samantha said...

venting is absolutely OK! and yes, much better than retail therapy. :-) Keep your head up and I'm sorry for whatever you are going through. Life has brought me challenges I didn't think I could ever go through, and somehow, you do. I know Heavenly Father is watching out for you. Feel better!

{Levi and Em} said...

I am sorry you're going through whatever it is...hope things get better soon!! Xoxo

Tanner and Margot said...

I sure love you miss Mari

*juli* said...

Love and prayers for you Mari!

Trevor and Shelby said...

Mari Spiker I love you and so does everyone who knows you. Can't wait to see you next.

Amy said...

I'm a big fan of vent-seshes, maybe too much of a fan :). Hugs to you!
And - I love reading your blog, everytime I read it, there's at least one sentence in it that makes me laugh.

Jeni said...

That's the thing about trials; they just suck. And sometimes just acknowledging that things are hard can make you feel a little better. (I hope this is the case!)

I'm sorry that this is such a challenging time. This is another one of those times where I desperately wish we lived closer to one another!
You are smart, strong, and beautiful. And you can do anything.
I love you!!

Audrey Crisp said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I have been too! Life is just really hard sometimes. I guess it makes you stronger and appreciate the good times? ANyway, email me if you still want help with your blog!