I'm in a bit of shock still.
I have been thinking about the road we have taken to get to this place a lot lately. And I have to say, infertility is hard. We each have our own battles & some are easier to withstand than others. But goodness gracious I cannot say how absolutely heartbreaking the past 3 years have been for me.
In many ways, I am lucky. I have known others to have struggled much longer than we have & some of them never had success. I won't ever forget that. When I think about how awful I felt with the big dark hole eating away at me, I can't imagine enduring it for as long as so many have to.
So, here I am, still in shock. After 12.5weeks I am still nervous to believe it.
"I'm positive???....(long pause) Are you sure?"--that is the last thing I remember saying to the nurse when she called with my results. I was home alone, sitting on the couch when I received the call. Chris was on his way home from a work trip in NYC. I probably sat on my couch for 15-20minutes in utter silence. I had spent the past 3 years gearing up each month for what the next steps would be, having the "right" attitude, and trying my best to stay optimistic. My entire focus had been on survival...I wasn't prepared for good news, especially not that good of news!
Life NEVER happens the way we plan it to. At least not for us. To be completely honest, it makes me crazy! I am a bit of a planner and all of the "why's" and never knowing made me nuts. Through this trial I have come to know myself much better. I have grown
and stretched my limits in ways I never knew I would have to. And
although Chris has been a very loving and supportive partner throughout
this process, in so many ways it has been a very personal battle for
both of us. Through the many different steps we had to take, different methods & multiple attempts at those methods, doctors we had to see, and hormones I had to take we finally made it.
I am not sure when I will actually allow myself to fully embrace and believe it. I am terrified something will go wrong. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't seem to help it. It's not that I am negative but more that I am afraid of the heartbreak coming back. I never ever ever want to feel like that again.
My heart is being put back together & I am feeling so grateful. Each week I allow myself to get more & more excited (and hopeful that the nausea will go away!). Good things do happen. Prayers do get answered. Maybe not in the ways we plan or expect or even want. But they do.
I still can't believe I'm going to be a mother. Somebody pinch me!