Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Letting it all sink in

I'm in a bit of shock still.

I have been thinking about the road we have taken to get to this place a lot lately.  And I have to say, infertility is hard. We each have our own battles & some are easier to withstand than others. But goodness gracious I cannot say how absolutely heartbreaking the past 3 years have been for me.

In many ways, I am lucky. I have known others to have struggled much longer than we have & some of them never had success. I won't ever forget that. When I think about how awful I felt with the big dark hole eating away at me, I can't imagine enduring it for as long as so many have to.

So, here I am, still in shock. After 12.5weeks I am still nervous to believe it.

"I'm positive???....(long pause) Are you sure?"--that is the last thing I remember saying to the nurse when she called with my results. I was home alone, sitting on the couch when I received the call. Chris was on his way home from a work trip in NYC. I probably sat on my couch for 15-20minutes in utter silence. I had spent the past 3 years gearing up each month for what the next steps would be, having the "right" attitude, and trying my best to stay optimistic. My entire focus had been on survival...I wasn't prepared for good news, especially not that good of news!

Life NEVER happens the way we plan it to. At least not for us. To be completely honest, it makes me crazy! I am a bit of a planner and all of the "why's" and never knowing made me nuts. Through this trial I have come to know myself much better. I have grown and stretched my limits in ways I never knew I would have to. And although Chris has been a very loving and supportive partner throughout this process, in so many ways it has been a very personal battle for both of us.  Through the many different steps we had to take, different methods & multiple attempts at those methods, doctors we had to see, and hormones I had to take we finally made it.

I am not sure when I will actually allow myself to fully embrace and believe it. I am terrified something will go wrong. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't seem to help it. It's not that I am negative but more that I am afraid of the heartbreak coming back. I never ever ever want to feel like that again.

My heart is being put back together & I am feeling so grateful. Each week I allow myself to get more & more excited (and hopeful that the nausea will go away!). Good things do happen. Prayers do get answered. Maybe not in the ways we plan or expect or even want. But they do.

I still can't believe I'm going to be a mother. Somebody pinch me!


Annie and Dan said...

Mary, I understand how you are feeling! I realize everyone goes through their own personal way of dealing with a situation, happy or sad, but having been there I can at least relate. Not that you would want to, but I posted about this same thing if you want to read it. It is in April 2011, the title is Back to Blogging.

~*aShLi*~ said...

I love hearing success stories! Me and my husband struggled with infertility for about a year, and now we have two kiddies. If that trial taught me anything, it was to value pregnancy and motherhood so much more. The second I found out I was pregnant, I vowed that I would never complain and take it all in because I never knew if I would experience it again. Now when my 19 month old is throwing a tantrum and I want to throw in the towel I go back to that place I was and remember how much I hoped and prayed to have her and it puts it all back into perspective. Congratulations!

The Alvords said...

You have me in tears, AGAIN! I am so happy this finally happened for you guys.

Cali and Brett Smith said...

Oh Mari- this is such good news. I am so happy for you. there really is not greater heartbreak than not being able to have a child. After 7 years of trying everything and being disappointed, feeling like something was missing from or little family, we finally were told that it wasn't going to happen for us. God gives everyone trials and we and so many others have had a hard one. But there is always a happy ending if you don't give up. We wanted a family and had to take a different road to get ours. We now have 3 little girls that we adopted and they fill that void and sadness. Sure I still wonder what my biological child would look like- a mix of me and my husband but I am happy. Things always work out how they are supposed to. You and me also just needed to find ourselves. I became a better mother because of it and you will too. Congratulations!

Audrey Crisp said...

It's so unfair how its so difficult for some couples to get pregnant isn't it? You're right though, we do all have our battles. I'm so glad it's worked out for you guys! I hope you get feeling better ASAP! Best wishes!